CLEANING TIPS WITH HYGIENIC OVERTONES
SPOT MAKING SPOTS ON YOUR WOOL CARPET
Here's what you need in addition to a strong stomach.
1/4 cup of White Vinegar
1/2 teaspoon of liquid dishwasher detergent
2 cups of lukewarm water
A scrub brush or a clean towel and a sponge
First, pick up as much of the mess as you can. This is where the strong stomach comes in handy. After you've gotten up as much as you can, generously sprinkle the baking soda over the offensive mess. Let that sit for 30 minutes. You can sit down and have perfectly civil pre-dinner conversation with your gathered guests as the baking soda does its business. After this, politely excuse yourself and go mix up the remaining ingredients. The detergent version is far more concentrated than regular dishwashing soap and will work much better but if all you have is the soap it'll work in a pinch. This is the disturbing part for your guests because you're going to have to vacuum up the baking soda before you can get into the cleaning phase. If you can find some distraction to get the guests out of the living room I'd do it now. Vacuuming is a definite conversation stopper. If you can get them to step out to admire the new wallpaper in the second floor bathroom or watch the finale of The Apprentice on your new 75" mega-screen then I'd suggest asking them to it now. Once you've finished the vacuuming you can kneel down and blot the spot with your soapy mixture. If you're in heels and cocktail attire remember to squat on your heels, knees raised over the floor and skirt tucked neatly between calves and thighs. Use your scrub brush for this. If you've got a deep pile carpet don't scrub too hard. You don't want little matted divots to dot your rug. Now it's time to rinse. Blot up as much of the residual mess as you can. Then comes the hard part. You want the rug to dry. Unfortunately, the best method is just a factor of time and propping up the rug to let air get underneath. If your guests have been drinking Mai-Tais you can ask for their glasses and use them to support the stained carpet up off the floor. Otherwise you'll have to resort to something less refined. It should dry out in less than 24 hours.
THE SMEARED AND FOGGY BATHROOM MIRROR
THE DIVERSIFICATION OF PEANUT BUTTER
NOW FOR SOME TOOTHPASTE
MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING
Toula Portokalos: I woke up with this huge zit this morning.
Ian Miller: Where?
Toula Portokalos: [points to spot on face] There.
Ian Miller: I had a huge zit this morning!
Toula Portokalos: Really? Where?
Ian Miller: [points to his face] Well, it was there, but it's gone now.
Toula Portokalos: Why?
Ian Miller: I put some Windex on it.
Bill Brandt, Photographer
Represented by Howard Greenberg Gallery, NYC